Stargate Youniverse
by Chris7221
Summary: The argubly first and argubly foremost SGU parody! Rush suceedes in his little project, stranding a bunch of immature misfits in a half-broken Ancient spaceship hurtling uncontrollably through the unknown universe. COMPLETE!
1. Atmosphere, Part I

Well, this is my long-awaited (in my mind, anyway) parody of Stargate Universe. Let me get one thing straight. I hate SGU. I think it's a disgrace to the Stargate franchise. I also think it has huge potential for a parody. At the same time, I'm going to try to bring it more in line with SG-1 and Atlantis, meaning more action and less drama.

Atmosphere, Part I

* * *

_Several thousand years ago..._

"Behold _Destiny_, the ship that will explore the universe."

"What idiot came up with this idea?" an Ancient whispered to another Ancient.  
"Beats me," he replied.

"Destiny will follow all those gate-seeding probes we sent..."

"So that's where our tax dollars go."

"... and we will travel to it in the near future, through the astria porta..."

"Smartest decision our government ever made. Why seed a bunch of gates that we rarely even use? With that money we could have built about twenty Aurora class cruisers or a shitload of gateships." An angry "SHUSH!" followed his comment.

"... and we shall explore not only our galaxy but the entire universe! We shall seed life, meet new lifeforms, make new discoveries! Ladies and gentleancients, this IS OUR DESTINY!"

A mass applause broke out throughout the amphitheater. All over the galaxy Ancients sat in front of their TVs to watch the launch of Destiny. In the amphitheater, a side wall opened up and there sat Destiny. The audience gasped and continued applauding. The ship began to light up and a sixty-hertz hum filled the air as the main engines powered up. Slowly Destiny lifted off and vanished into the evening sky.

"I wonder if anyone will follow through with it," muttered the argumentative Ancient as he left the amphitheater.

* * *

Eli Wallace is best described as a complete and utter loser. After dropping out of Harvard then MIT and finally failing to receive a fake degree in the mail, he went back to playing video games and living at his mom's house. He sat there, like that fat lump he is, simultaneously playing WoW and Garry's Mod and listening to the sweet sound of two Radeon HD 4870 graphics cards and an Intel Core i7-950, or rather the coolers that sat on top of their respective processors.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Reluctantly, Eli got up and half walked, half fell down the stairs and wrenched the door open. It was just the UPS guy, with another package. "Sign here, here and here please. Also, unless you want this package damaged, pay me twenty bucks."

Eli groaned and signed the sheet, slipping the man a bill as he took the package. He closed the door, muttering "Fucking UPS guy..."

But he had his package, and he was excited. So after an exhausting haul up the stairs and into his disaster of a room he tore it open. Eli was simultaneously disappointed and satisfied when he saw the contents. It wasn't the OpenPandora he had preordered two years ago. It was a copy of Stargate Worlds, the game he had preordered only one year ago. Excitedly he rammed it into the drive of his computer and ran the installer.

* * *

***five days of 24 hour gaming later***

Eli Maxwell had finished Stargate Worlds, maxed all the levels, solved all the puzzles, finished all the quests, and submitted his high score. He sat there like a lump waiting for a dramatically timed event to happen when someone knocked on the door. _This better be my OpenPandora_, he thought.

It wasn't. It was USAF general and another man that looked somewhat familiar, but not quite. "Oh fuck, recruiters!" shouted Eli as he slammed the door. He tried to run but only made it halfway up the stairs before fainting.

* * *

Eli woke up in a gray room in a gray bed with a small gray nightstand and two small gray doors. Overall, the room was very gray, furnished in a drab institutional gray. He moaned as he half climbed, half fell out of his bed. Without warning a man came through the door and whacked him over the head.

* * *

Eli woke up, again, in another drab gray room across from the same Air Force general that had visited him before. "Where am I?"  
"That's not important. What is important is that I'm General O'Neill, and I'm going to tell you everything.  
"Ever heard of the Stargate program? Don't answer, that's a rhetorical question. A while back we discovered a big ring thing that lets you go to other planets. After a long series of adventures a crazy guy had a dumb idea that the ninth chevron does something and he needs your help."  
"Wait, what?" asked Eli, confused even more.  
O'Neill spoke slower this time. "That's not important. What is important is that I'm General O'Neill, and I'm going to tell you everything.  
"Ever heard of the Stargate program? Don't answer, that's a rhetorical question. A while back we discovered a big ring thing that lets you go to other planets. After a long series of adventures a crazy guy had a dumb idea that the ninth chevron does something and he needs your help."  
"Can you explain better instead of just repeating it slower?" asked Eli again, raising an eyebrow.  
"Absolutely not," replied O'Neill, "Most of it is in the game, some on TV and the rest you'll pick up. Despite failing at life you seem to be pretty smart."  
"Well, can't you give me an informative video that sort of answers my questions but doesn't do that good a job and leaves me somewhat confused?" requested Eli in a very foreshadowing way.  
"That's what I was about to do." O'Neill shoved a tape into a fortuitously placed VCR. The tape had a partially crossed out and replaced label. The new title was "Danny-boy's guide to the Stargate" but Eli could make out the word "Simpsons" in black Sharpi- permanent felt marker.

* * *

The tape had left Eli Wallace with more questions than answers, but he knew why he wasn't getting cell service. Suddenly there was a slight jolt. _Ah, we must have reached the base_, he thought. Eli was just getting up when the ship started shaking, then there was an ear-splitting crash accompanied by a very sudden, very hard jolt, then another crash and jolt, then a much weaker crash and jolt, and then the ship stopped. Eli had barely caught his breath when the door opened and a female crewwoman bashed him over the head.

* * *

"Welcome to Icarus Base."

"What?" Eli opened his eyes and found that he was sitting at a table with a bunch of other people. In front of him was a decidedly unappetizing piece of meat of some sort, covered in some kind of sauce. The blue Jell-o looked good though, and the drink was Pepsi, his favorite.  
"I'm Colonel Young, though I'm actually kinda old. This is Colonel Telford-" he waved "-Lieutenant Scott, Senator Armstrong, and of course you've met Cloey."  
"Actually, it's Chloe and he hasn't-"  
"Shut up!" yelled her father, the senator and cuffed her on the head. Chloe went back to her food.  
The familiar but not quite familiar man was there too.  
"Excuse me, who are you, anyway?" asked Eli.  
"Dr. Nicholas Rush, resident hyperintelligent crazy who suspiciously knows too much." Rush leaned over the table, knocking over plates and cups and expended his hand. It was kind of gnarly and had something brown on it.  
"Uhhh, no thanks," said Eli. But Rush wouldn't take no for an answer. He half-jumped, half-slid across the table towards Eli, knocking over more plates, covering the senator with something resembling gravy and nearly removing Telford's eye with a fork. He bowled over Eli and pumped his hand so hard that Eli's wrist almost broke. No one seemed to notice.  
"Right, dinner time is over," said Young. Then Eli was knocked unconcious again.

* * *

"Would you stop- oh wow!" Eli was lying in the middle of the gateroom. Everyone at the dinner and several others were in the room. In front of him was one genuine, Ancient-manufactured mint condition Milky Way stargate.

"Wait, wait, wait. If you have one of these, why didn't you just send me through?"  
"Because the spaceship trip is so much more dramatic and impressive. Plus, this gate is modified to be un-dialable," Young explained.  
"Why not just use an iris?" asked Eli, skeptically.  
"Because we thought it would be easier. It turned out to require 30 years, six supercomputers and two female astrophysicists to do it," explained Rush, "Come on now, let's try your solution and dial that ninth chevron!" Rush helped Eli up. He wiped the brown substance on Rush's shirt. Rush didn't seem to notice.

Rush began pushing buttons. The stargate began to dramatically spin and lock chevrons.

"Chevron seven... _encoded_? Chevron _eight_... _ENCODED_?! Chevron _NINE_... will not lock."  
"Shouldn't you be at the SGC?" Telford asked Walter.  
"Well, nobody else is qualified for this job."  
"Then who's doing it at the SGC?" asked Telford. Walter suddenly looked worried.

Meanwhile, Rush was throwing a hissy-fit. "WHY WHY WHY ISN'T IT WORKING?! IN ALL THE SIMULATIONS IT WORKED! BUT OH NO, WHEN WE ACTUALLY TRY IT THE THING DOESN'T FUCKING WORK! THIS PIECE OF SHIT ISN'T WORKING?! IT'S ALL FUCKING WRONG!"  
"Whoa, calm down, I didn't even solve it on purpose!" said Eli. He narrowly dodged the fortuitously placed crowbar Rush threw at him.  
"SOLVE?! YOU DIDN'T SOLVE ANYTHING! LOOK AT THE GATE! DOES IT FUCKING LOOK ACTIVATED?! ARGH!"  
Eli was backing away slowly when the floor suddenly shook and alarms started going off. "Oh shit, we're being attacked at the most inconvenient yet plot-driving time ever!" yelled Telford as he ran out of the gateroom.

* * *

Three Ha'tak class ships had started to attack the planet. Up in orbit, in the ship, was Colonel Samantha Carter. And things were not going too well.  
"Shields predictably down to twenty percent! Weapons strangely ineffective!" yelled a junior officer.  
"Try the Asgard beam weapons!" Carter shouted back.  
"Those _are_ the Asgard beam weapons!" the junior officer replied.

* * *

On the surface things were going even worse. Icarus base was in the side of a mountain, but it turned out that rock is very bad armor. There were only two 302s, and the base strangely had no SAM sites to defend against Death Gliders. One 302 managed to destroy a Death Glider with an AIM-9X Sidewinder missile before being blown to bits by two others. The other 302 flew around in lazy circles for no real reason.

"Dial Earth!" Colonel Young yelled, "We have to evacuate! Scott, Greer, help me get some more people to the gateroom!"

Rush watched as Young dashed out of the room. He had a different idea. Perhaps the address had to use Earth's symbol as the ninth chevron. Although the pyramid symbol was not even that of Earth's original gate, and that dialing it on anything but the Giza gate would be physically impossible, Rush had no doubts that his plan would succeed.  
"Move away from that console!" he yelled at the sergeant behind the DHD and dialing console. "I have a stupid idea and an equally stupid excuse!"  
"Well, I was ordered not to, and it's against all logic and common sense, but for the sake of plot advancement, sure."  
Rush pushed a bunch of keys and slammed his fist on the DHD. Then the gate began dialing. It shook and sparked and nearly fell off its mounts as it locked the first chevron.

* * *

The stargate was rocking back and forth crazily and sparking excessively when Young got back, covered in dust and with Chloe, the senator and a bunch of survivors in tow. When he saw the ninth chevron lock, the gate activate, and Rush smile he knew that things had gone terribly wrong.

"Rush, you son of a bitch! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!" Only years and years of being in the military and a desire to become a general stopped him from snapping Rush's neck. Instead, he stood there with a red face and angry expression.  
"Can't you just redial Earth?" asked Eli.  
"Nope. That would be too easy," replied Rush matter-of-factly.  
"Well now we're screwed. We can stay here in a collapsing base on a planet about to explode or go through that into the unknown." Eli made up his mind, grabbed his bag, and headed towards the gate.  
"Be sure to take as much supplies as you can!" yelled Rush, packing up his laptop.

* * *

"We're about to lose shields! We have taken heavy damage!" yelled the junior officer.  
"Just a little longer! We have to recover ALL the 302s and beam up the survivors!" Carter yelled back over the sparks and smoke in the flight deck.  
"Colonel, strange energy readings are building up in the planet! The core is going unstable!" the young, female, argubly attractive lieutenant said, "Colonel, the planet is going to explode!"  
"Shields are down! One more hit will take us out!"  
"We've recovered the 302s and survivors at a suspiciously convenient moment!"  
"Set course for Earth and engage the hyperdrive!" Carter yelled.

The Hammond jumped into hyperspace just before the planet exploded in a massive fireball, taking Icarus base, the Ha'tak vessels, and an unfortunate janitor who was stuck in a broom closet with it.

* * *

After her ship was safely in hyperspace, Carter contacted Earth. "Icarus base was attacked and destroyed. The whole planet went critical and exploded. We picked up some survivors, but most of them are unaccounted for."  
General Landry was on the other end. "We believe those Ha'tak vessels belong- or rather belonged to- the Lucian Alliance. We knew they were coming, but we couldn't get word out to you soon enough."  
"They should have evacuated through the stargate. In fact, we detected it activating."  
"Well, colonel, they aren't here. In fact, it didn't dial here. Maybe they dialed the wrong planet. We'll find them."  
"What if Rush succeeded in his project?"

"Then God help those poor souls who went through."

* * *

Hope you liked that first episode/chapter. The intro was inspired by the first bit of "Rising", which I have never actually watched. The end bit was probably the hardest part to write. This is also probably my longest single chapter to date, at just a little under 2500 words.


	2. Atmosphere, Part II

Okay, hope you liked the cliffhanger ending. Here's part two of the first episode.

* * *

Destiny was hurtling through space at a really, really fast speed when the gate started dialling. Of course it's a new series, which means a new gate. This one is slightly more ornate, lights up white, and the whole thing spins. The whole thing lights and spins. Therefore, it is impossible to know the progress of the dialling progress. Unless you look at the DHD, which is just a half-broken console. Lastly, the gate has a bearing on top. Having not been lubricated in thousands of years, it screeched and groaned as the stargate struggled to turn. After almost five minutes of excruciatingly high-pitched grinding and squealing, the wormhole finally opened. On an interesting note, it is the bad bearing that caused the gate on the other end to spark and draw excessive amounts of power, not the distance. Just goes to show how a small part can be a huge problem.

Eli, being the first through the stargate, was thrown the least distance. People, containers, and bags flew chaotically through the gate and around the gateroom. Rush came through shouting "WHEEEEE!" and waving his arms in the air. Eli shook his head in an exceedingly odd way. Colonel Young was last. He had grabbed a mysterious package before being last through the gate. He went flying through unbelivably fast and was knocked unconcious immediately after hitting a wall.

Dr. Nicholas Rush got up and rubbed his hands up and down his pants. "Wasn't that fun?" he asked, "If only it was possible to do it more than once!" Around him people were slowly getting up (or trying to), some quite badly injured.

Lieutenant Tamara Johansen (TJ to her friends, of which she has none), an argubly hot unexperienced field (or possibly forest) medic who had not been introduced before rushed immediately to Colonel Young even before stopping flying. Then she stopped for a bit to put on gloves, because she once saw a guy with AIDS and she wasn't sure who Young had been sleeping with.

* * *

"Okay, time for some good news and some bad news," Rush told everyone.  
"Well, Colonel Young is not going to die, that's good news," said the lieutenant/medic/argubly attractive tough-ish female Tamara Johansen.  
"Shut up, whoever you are!" Rush shouted back very loudly, in a loud voice. "Now, for the good news and bad news. The good news is that we have a whole ship to explore and only most of it is decompressed. The bad news is that the ship is that we have to explore the ship and most of it is decompressed."  
"We... don't... have... much... food... or... water," croaked Young, barely awake.  
"What do we have for supplies, anyway?" Rush asked.  
"Oooh! I checked all the containers! It only took half an hour, I'm a quick checker!" replied Eli enthusiastically. "Let's see, we have a case full of nine-millimeter ammo, a huge box of nine-volt batteries, five hazmat suits, an entire case of medical supplies- well gloves anyway, the usual obvious survival equipment, tools, and useless junk.." Eli droned off.  
"Food, Mr. Wallace, food!" hissed Rush.  
"Oh right! Let me see. We have a crapload of this packet shit!" Eli held up a packet of some food powder crap. "Oh and some nutritional bars, and a toilet full of spoiled meat I found beside the gateroom. Do those Ancients ever clean their bathrooms?"  
"That isn't a bathroom. It's a food storeroom, Eli." Rush shook his head un-approvingly.  
"Oops. So those toilets were actually-"  
"Food storage units. Stasis units. Amazing they kept that meat so long, isn't it?"  
"It was rotten!"  
"Amazing." Rush glared at Eli in an evil way.

* * *

"Okay, everyone take a gun. Everyone who lived in a ghetto or southern state should know how to use one. Everyone else... well try not to shoot yourself in the foot, or head." Lieutenant Scott, who is now a significant character, handed out guns to everyone.  
Eli Wallace took a gun. "Oh wow, a Heckler and Koch MP-5 submachine gun with 30-round magazine. Looks like an A4, Navy trigger, firing standard 9mm rounds. Fully loaded too! I've only seen these in movies and TV be-" The gun suddenly went off as Eli played with it. Fortunately only a plot-insignificant character was killed. "Oops!" he said with a sheepish grin, "I hope that guy didn't have any plot significance."  
"He didn't," Rush assured him. Little did either of them know that... eh, too ironic. Nevermind.  
"Hey, is the air getting thinner?" Eli asked Rush.  
"Stop foreshadowing, it ruins the plot!" Rush hissed back.  
"You didn't answer my question!" Eli probed. Rush just glared back.

* * *

"We're running out of air. The ship is leaking a ridiculous amount of air. The CO2 scrubbers aren't working at all. The whole ship is falling apart. I would say we have water problems, or power problems, but I would be foreshadowing- I mean lying."  
"Oh great. Now instead of dying of starvation I get to die of asphyxiation instead." Eli wasn't happy that day.  
Rush slapped a part of the wall and the panel retracted, revealing a finned metal cylinder covered with goo. It spilled the black disgusting goo all over the floor and one of Rush's shoes. Rush stuck his pencil in it, which promptly dissolved.  
"That's what thousands of years does to an air scrubber. Unless we can fix it and seal the leaks in the hull, we're all dead. Now, there is nothing suitable on the official manifest. Does anyone have a personal stash of lime or something-hydroxide?"  
"No? Okay then. Everyone gather around me to get your jobs. Not you, Eli. Go make useless discoveries that are more exciting than the main plot."

* * *

"I call it a Kino, like that game old people like to play, except spelled different," said Eli, "It's a little ball, but it records video, and I can view and control it with this tablet here. I think it can also be used as a sort of mini-MALP. They must have made them for scouting through the gate. Best of all, this tube is completely full and I think there's more!"  
After his spiel Rush walked into the room "Why are you talking to yourself?"  
"Oh sorry, old habit. You see, at home I always talk to myself. It's because I have no friends you see," responded Eli nonchalantly.  
"Uh huh. Have you ever stopped to consider WHY you have no friends?"  
"Not really, why?"  
"Oh no reason, no reason at all."

* * *

The first thing Young saw was TJ, or rather her bloody gloved hands. "I don't have HIV or anything like that," he croaked.  
"Good to have you back, sir."  
"Where is everybody?"  
"Rush told them-"  
"RUSH?! RUSH?!" Young got up, which was excruciatingly painful but he didn't feel it. "That idiot Rush will get us all killed! Get him back here, now!"

* * *

TJ found Rush in a room beside the control room. He was just putting the Ancient communication stones back in their plastic bags when he heard her knock on the door, then wrench it open.  
"Dr. Rush? Colonel Young would like to see you," the Lieutenant yelled at Rush.  
"Ah, that's great. I can inform him of my leadership of the expedition."

* * *

"No way Rush, you are not the leader of this expedition and that's final!"  
"Colonel please. I am easily the most qualified person on the expedition!"  
"The most qualified person on the expedition for fixing this ship, yes. But not for leading!"  
"Just because you are the ranking military officer doesn't make you-"  
"YES IT DOES, RUSH! Now you will answer to me or you will be shot, understood?"  
"Fine. Do whatever you want. Kill us all, see if I care!" Rush stomped away angrily.

* * *

"So, Chloe, how is the shower?" Eli asked her from outside the shower room.  
"Really weird. Like it's using some sort of wet non-water stuff. Also, isn't this not supposed to happen for another episode or two?"  
"Bah, whatever. It makes nice filler material. Also, what's that smell?"  
"Uhhh, the shower. Yup, definitely the shower. I didn't fart or anything."

* * *

"Rush, stop playing with the door!" Young yelled.  
"But it's so interesting! Look! You push this panel here, and it opens and closes the door. It has the sweet roto-lock thingy in the middle that makes for nice eye candy too!"  
"Rush, I swear to God if we don't die I will shoot you."  
Suddenly Rush got a call on his radio. "What? Are you sure? Dammit, I'll be down right now."  
"What's that?" asked the Colonel.  
"Okay. We found two shuttles. But one of them is leaking and for some reason the airlock won't close."

Young limped after Rush, using a gun as a crutch. It went off, blowing a hole in the deck. Rush didn't even notice.

* * *

"What do you mean it won't close?" asked Young.  
"It won't close. The controls just don't work," one of the junior nameless scientists stated.  
"What about from inside the shuttle?" Young asked again.  
"Well duh. Of course that works. Only problem is that it would be suicidal for anyone to do it."  
"Okay, let me get this straight. You can't close it from the airlock. You can close it from the shuttle. Nobody thought to close it manually, or just isolate the whole damn compartment?"  
Rush answered his questions in an exasperated voice. "Colonel, all your solutions make too much sense. Now, we can't have that, can we?"  
"This is stupid!" Young said as he limped away, "I joined the SGC to kill aliens, not to deal with stupid geniuses and shuttle doors that don't close!"

Rush rolled his eyes and went back to mindlessly pretending to work.

* * *

Senator Armstrong is best described as a pompous prick. He is a selfish jerk with an inflated sense of self-importance. He also has heart problems and a medication that makes bruises really bad. Also, the medication is really addictive.

"Dadeee, I'm scared!" Chloe screeched as she came in, "The air is leaking out and the oxygen thingy is broken!" Chloe started to cry and hugged her daddy, the senator. I'm sure I said that they were related before, sometime. Chloe quietly sneaked the pill bottle into her pocket. Then she left.

The elder Armstrong immediately went into withdrawl and a depression cycle. Without his pills he felt he had no reason to live. So he started wandering toward the shuttle.

* * *

Rush and Young had just come back from getting tools or something with Chloe in tow for no real reason when Senator Armstrong entered the airlock.

Rush noticed him first. "Senator, what are you doing? Just because we're all going to die if you don't sacrifice yourself doesn't mean you should!"  
"Is that reverse psychology?" Chloe muttered under her breath.  
"Doing this would help people? Wow, I didn't know people hate me that much! Oh, but life isn't worth living!"  
"As expedition leader I ORDER you to step out of that airlock!" Young yelled at the senator, who was now fully in the airlock. Chloe pretended to cry but was actually grinning.  
"My life is over for me! I hate you, I hate the world, I hate this ship, I hate everything. Also, I'm cold and have an urge to vomit." Rush and Young shared a look. Chloe started laughing.  
Young lunged at the door just after it closed, almost knocking himself out. The withdrawal-stricken senator went through the airlock and closed the other door from inside the shuttle. A few seconds passed, then he started screaming.

"HELP! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! NOOOOOO!"

Rush and Young silently left. Chloe shoved a fortuitously placed wood-handled mop into the door handles, wedging it closed. Then she fingered her screaming, dying father, turned and left. She didn't notice the ship drop out of FTL, or her father go into another round of suicidal depression.

* * *

"So, basically the ship just happened to drop out of whatever it was in, within range of a planet with what we need, and is about to start dialling the gate?"  
"Yes, Colonel, for the last and first time yes!" replied Rush angrily.  
"Okay. Who do you want on the team?"  
"A random scientist, that angry army guy, a random military guy, Eli, another person, and of course me." Rush smiled smugly.  
"That sounds terrible. You know the only reason I haven't put you in a cell is because we would all die without you?"  
"I know." Young just grunted back.

In front of Rush and Young the stargate began to creak and dial.

"Told you so."

* * *

Okay, that chapter took long to write, felt short to read, and is the second longest of any chapter I've written- I think. Please review whether you liked or hated. The ending may feel a little rushed and the story unpolished because I finished it quickly so I could publish today. Also, what do you think of the formatting? Too many line thingies? Too many single line breaks? This chapter was kinda hard to write because I didn't really remember the episode, I was trying to rework it quite a bit, and I kept tweaking things. Also, a lot of work, but it seems to short!


	3. An Ending

sudenly the shipp droped out of ftw and rush said "were losing power life support will be gone soon."

colonel young got angry and said "rush fix it before we die"

so rush and eli went down to fix it

but of course since it was sgu and not sg1 or sga they couldnt fix the ship and worse there is a gas jiant in teh waey

damnit rush were all going 2 die beacause of you said tj

then the ship crashed into the giant and was crushd into a cube the size of a crate

youngs last word were "fuck rush we die becuz of u before he dies

* * *

So, I've decided to end this early and extremely poorly. I justified the bad writing on the basis that SGU is horrible and I'm giving it what it deserves. That and I'm too lazy to write properly.


End file.
